Saturday, September 12, 2015

My Angel

I don't know why but today I was reminded of my lil angel...

I happened to pass by the area after I left the medical centre which confirmed my lil baby is no longer with me..

It has been almost a year since that day.

I suddenly recalled the very day I knew he left me...
I suddenly remembered the feelings of absence within me...
I suddenly feel sadness that I couldn't get a chance to hold you.

I know I should move on but it seems like I didn't.
Every time a cycle come, I wish maybe I will be privilege once more to feel that feelings..
Alas, my partner is satisfied with little M as it is..

I wonder if I can move on from this...
Doc say I should try now if I want because not sure if I can again next time

It hurts when you want to try but not given a chance...
It hurts that you feel alone in your own loss when the other party is in denial,

I pray this cloud will move on or perhaps I will be in a dazed for another year before feelings this again..

Talking to others, it seems like a "normal occurrence" which many have gone through too. 
Guess I am just too sensitive and not willing to let go...

Friday, March 20, 2015

Sins of a Parent

I feel sad for my child.

Sins of a parent will carry forward and felt by him.
My son will have no cousins and relatives to dote and play with him during his childhood. His father being the only child will not help this either.

My parents don't really like me. My brothers don't really like me. I don't like them either. Hence, when my parents pass on, his uncles won't be around to visit us and vice versa. I know that for a fact.


Growing up as a second child, only daugher smacked between 2 boys... this is what I always felt. I felt annoyed with my parents mantra "We treat all three of you equally" (When I feel they don't).

As an adult as I reflect back, I don't think I was wrong to felt that way at that age.

As a child I felt like this. My elder brother is the "anak emas" (golden child) - smart and brilliant child. My younger brother is the "anak manja" (spoilt child) - getting away with anything and demanding (and getting) with anything because he is the youngest.

Well, I felt I was the "anak angkat" (adopted child) because I was not allowed to do many things being the daughter. My primary school friend (boys) were scolded when they called me on the phone in my house. I couldn't go to overnight school trips and I couldn't go to sleepover. It didn't help that I lived in another area from most of my friends.

I felt miserable, not understood and lonely growing up as a child in my family.

As an adult, I understand that my parents were being over protective of their daughter but I really felt suffocated like a pet bird in a cage. To the extend, when I became an adult - I was so accustomed to a cage; when there wasn't one, I still sat in the same spot.

How does this constitute a sin to my child?

Well, obviously an unhappy child doesn't give her parents an easy time especially right after Form 5. I wanted to study more as a doctor. I wanted more options than what my dad could give me. I felt it was unfair my dad gave my son better choices to study while I couldn't.

So from that moment on, my dad doesn't like me questioning his choices.

I on the other hand, hated that I couldn't fly.

Hence, I also hated that my dad always felt his sons (both doctors) are more successful and superior than me. It didn't help that I didn't marry rich either.

My mum thinks she treated us fairly and couldn't accept my comments that she didn't. I never really get along conversationally with my mum. Yes, she loves me but she doesn't accept my opinions and she only showers me with gifts (buying clothes, toys, etc). Emotionally, I felt I never had someone to confide in.

Brothers? If I start writing more, I will start tearing.

Older brother doesn't really bother much about me especially when he married. He used to remember his little sister and buy her stuff (I'm not complaining about not getting stuff) but literally even during his wedding, it felt like I was just a normal guest and not his sister.

At least, in case of emergency, if I ask him for something, he will help me but it is out of obligation. That is how I feel our brother-sister relationship is like.

Younger brother? Long history of quarrels from unjustified accusations and parents siding him 100% etc.
In other words, he is untouchable in my family. The KING. End of story. He even overrules safety reason e.g. I was not allowed to install a safety gate to avoid my son from falling and going down the staircase because HE might trip. D'oh.

Well, can't blame him for thinking he is the King because he was brought up that way.

That made me feel that bringing up my son to be considerate, cautious, street-wise and equiping him with survival skills is much more important (even though my parents brought my up to think qualifications and money matters more.) Yes, we need money to leave but not to the extend of always bringing down the lower-income sibling in the family ALL the time.

I guess no matter how hard I try, I can never "please" my parents but it does ruin my self esteem.

So my sin as a parent is that with my bad relationships, my son might not be able to receive more love from so-called relatives.

I pray God will lead other individuals to love him more than I can and if anything does happen to me eventually, I hope my son knows I tried my best.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Korean Drama Fever

When Winter Sonata was a craze more than a decade ago, I wasn't interested and wondered what the big deal was.

Many years later, I encountered other Korean dramas and got hook once a while trying to watch them e.g. Boys over Flower, 1st Shop of Coffee Prince.. and some others I can't recall now.

Recently, with the aps Viki, I started watching again.

Since 2014 till now, I have watched the following dramas:

1. When a Man Loves A Woman

2. My Princess
3. Healer

4. I do I do

I am currently watching this.. Wonder what should I watch next.. lol I guess I do like light-hearted romantic comedy.

Sungkyunkwan Scandal

Ahhh.... some romantic comedy to clear the stress for the day. ;)

Another half a decade: Managing Change

It has been 5 years since I worked in this firm and it is time to move on.
I have known that there is no future and further advancement here for few years now but I stayed on until my baby is no longer a baby.

As I take a new path (hoping for the best) with butterflies in my stomach and uncertainties again, I hope I can hold on to my faith and seek God in times of this uncertainties again.

I pray God will calm the inner turmoil in me so I can braved a new change.
I delayed resigning a week because of this inner turmoil.. arghh..

Will see how it goes.. Pray for me!

Thursday, February 05, 2015

Speech Milestones (23 months)

I have to admit, I was scared when my son didn't speak much and used sign language more to get what he wants.

Then, out of the blue, it is as if the wires connect, he started speaking.

He made a point to have eye contact with you, then pointed an object and said "bluuuu".  (Blue colour)
Then he pointed at the next bead and said "greeee".  (Green colour)
And he continued with "Reeeeaaa" and "Orrrrrrrr-an"  (Red and orange colour)

I can't tell you what a relieve I felt and proud too. Obviously, I couldn't over react as he might not want to speak again. He has this tendency to do it when we least expect.

That was 3 weeks ago.

Last week, he made me proud by saying 1,2,3 to 10 after each numbers was flashed on tv in a youtube video that he was been watching on and off. And then he wasn't too confident saying numbers "11-19" but ended with a loud "20".

I think what helped was coincidentally we have 20 steps for the staircase at home, so we would always count 1-20 with every step we took.

So in short, just wanted to record this moment before I forget, and hope he finally says "Mummy".

He nows happily says "Dadddeeee" whenever he sees daddy. Alas haven't called "mummy" yet so I took the opportunity to teach him this:
"When you poo poo, say Dadddy. When you shee shee, say Daddy. When you hungry, say Daddy".

:P Might as well take it as sign of blessing in disguise... haha