Friday, March 20, 2015

Sins of a Parent

I feel sad for my child.

Sins of a parent will carry forward and felt by him.
My son will have no cousins and relatives to dote and play with him during his childhood. His father being the only child will not help this either.

My parents don't really like me. My brothers don't really like me. I don't like them either. Hence, when my parents pass on, his uncles won't be around to visit us and vice versa. I know that for a fact.


Growing up as a second child, only daugher smacked between 2 boys... this is what I always felt. I felt annoyed with my parents mantra "We treat all three of you equally" (When I feel they don't).

As an adult as I reflect back, I don't think I was wrong to felt that way at that age.

As a child I felt like this. My elder brother is the "anak emas" (golden child) - smart and brilliant child. My younger brother is the "anak manja" (spoilt child) - getting away with anything and demanding (and getting) with anything because he is the youngest.

Well, I felt I was the "anak angkat" (adopted child) because I was not allowed to do many things being the daughter. My primary school friend (boys) were scolded when they called me on the phone in my house. I couldn't go to overnight school trips and I couldn't go to sleepover. It didn't help that I lived in another area from most of my friends.

I felt miserable, not understood and lonely growing up as a child in my family.

As an adult, I understand that my parents were being over protective of their daughter but I really felt suffocated like a pet bird in a cage. To the extend, when I became an adult - I was so accustomed to a cage; when there wasn't one, I still sat in the same spot.

How does this constitute a sin to my child?

Well, obviously an unhappy child doesn't give her parents an easy time especially right after Form 5. I wanted to study more as a doctor. I wanted more options than what my dad could give me. I felt it was unfair my dad gave my son better choices to study while I couldn't.

So from that moment on, my dad doesn't like me questioning his choices.

I on the other hand, hated that I couldn't fly.

Hence, I also hated that my dad always felt his sons (both doctors) are more successful and superior than me. It didn't help that I didn't marry rich either.

My mum thinks she treated us fairly and couldn't accept my comments that she didn't. I never really get along conversationally with my mum. Yes, she loves me but she doesn't accept my opinions and she only showers me with gifts (buying clothes, toys, etc). Emotionally, I felt I never had someone to confide in.

Brothers? If I start writing more, I will start tearing.

Older brother doesn't really bother much about me especially when he married. He used to remember his little sister and buy her stuff (I'm not complaining about not getting stuff) but literally even during his wedding, it felt like I was just a normal guest and not his sister.

At least, in case of emergency, if I ask him for something, he will help me but it is out of obligation. That is how I feel our brother-sister relationship is like.

Younger brother? Long history of quarrels from unjustified accusations and parents siding him 100% etc.
In other words, he is untouchable in my family. The KING. End of story. He even overrules safety reason e.g. I was not allowed to install a safety gate to avoid my son from falling and going down the staircase because HE might trip. D'oh.

Well, can't blame him for thinking he is the King because he was brought up that way.

That made me feel that bringing up my son to be considerate, cautious, street-wise and equiping him with survival skills is much more important (even though my parents brought my up to think qualifications and money matters more.) Yes, we need money to leave but not to the extend of always bringing down the lower-income sibling in the family ALL the time.

I guess no matter how hard I try, I can never "please" my parents but it does ruin my self esteem.

So my sin as a parent is that with my bad relationships, my son might not be able to receive more love from so-called relatives.

I pray God will lead other individuals to love him more than I can and if anything does happen to me eventually, I hope my son knows I tried my best.

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