Monday, October 09, 2017

Routine vs Change



And so, here I am ranting again.

We are never satisfied but sometimes a glimmer of hope radiates through the dark gloomy day.

Routine is safe.
Routine is comfortable.
Routine can also be draining.
Routine can also be tiring.

Change is new possibilities.
Change is outside your comfort zone.
Change is scary.
Change is challenging.

So pray God tell me what to do?
I am so mentally, physically and spiritually drained..

 



Tuesday, March 07, 2017

3 words for your child

I briefly glanced a post about summarising your expectation of your child in 3 words and this came to my mind.

My son, I pray you will learn to be Godly, Respectful and Kind.

My daughter, I pray you will learn to be Humble, Independent and Wise.

These were the words that popped up in my mind and I pray they will be close to their hearts in their growing years.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Ranting

I woke up feeling depressed. I feel neglected, unloved and very used. Why?

My son doesn’t want me (seriously because I don’t spend time with him). My husband is in his own world of handphones and computer. My parents pick on me no matter what I do.

I am tired.

Guess is the last stretch of hormones in this pregnancy.
 
I work and drive an hour plus one way to work. I slave to pay for the household bills and got myself in a higher financial commitment so my family can have a new house nearby my parents.
 
Does my husband help? Only looking and playing with our son.

Other than that, it is thrown onto my shoulders.

He will say I am calculative but looking back at the first pregnancy, he never realised how lucky he is and now.

1. Hubby doesn’t spend a single dime on my pregnancy and confinement. He only pays for delivery and thankfully first baby loved him so much that he came to this world on a weekday, day time and within the maternity package price.

 2. Hubby doesn’t need to even cook, source, buy groceries for any confinement food. I researched and prepared the list so that my parents do everything for me and I guess there is resentment. He doesn’t even help to carry boiled water upstairs for me (typical Chinese belief is that a woman after delivery cannot touch tap water to avoid wind in the body). My aging mum with aching knees is the one who boils and carry upstairs for me.
 
3. Hubby does not bathe or look after the baby. First-time-dad obviously is scared and used the no-experience-excuse.

So will this repeat again? I hope not... (most likely).

Anyhow, why am I further upset?

Well, he had to have to go out the country the week before my delivery and give me a headache. I am 37 weeks pregnant and now I am trying to figure who can be my doula should little baby decide not to wait for daddy.

Even choosing name becomes a drama. It took me a month of finding a Christian my hubby approved. I totally rejected all his selection because my criteria were stricter than his. First baby was so easy – he said yes to my selection. Obviously my mum didn’t like it.

  liked a Chinese name which my mum didn’t allow me to use because it sounds like my late aunt’s name. Is there superstitious for that?. I was hoping for more options of Chinese name from my MIL but she gave me her middle name and I didn’t like the last name she chose. So I am stuck with no name and hubby doesn’t have a worry to his head.
 
I have been backsliding as it is a challenge to prepare the baby (son) and the big baby (hubby) in time to go to church. Personal devotion is void because all I want to do now is sleep. Excuses...
Guess just have to pray.... really hard and hope I don’t go into post natal depression and do something silly to my hubby’s benefit since my will is all prepared and in his name.

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Motherhood


It has been a tumultuous motherhood journey for me these past 4 years.

 

As the date of delivery drew closer, this last pregnancy passed by in a split of a second. From going through vomiting every night for the past 7 months to occasional vomiting these past few weeks and bleeding in the gums, I have not really allowed myself to enjoy my final pregnancy.

 

Clinging to the initial sadness of the other spouse reluctant for another child made me rather resentful and bitter at first. I would look at other pregnant ladies in envy. When God finally granted my wish by allowing hubby to relent a little, everything just sailed by so fast. Luckily, I remembered to take some pregnancy photographs (hope they turn out great) to commemorate this pregnancy.

 

Baby no. 1 was a happy baby, in a nut shell. Baby no. 2 (or technically no. 3) is picky with food, active in moving and amazingly emotionally akin to mine (to hubby’s horror).

 

I can’t wait to meet you my dear and pray for our smooth delivery and good health. I will try to remember to play more music for you before you open your eyes to this world.

 

Meanwhile, I need to really plan my last month of spending 100% with my baby no. 1. Unfortunately for him, I have been neglecting him due to my fatigue and lethargy from this pregnancy and I hope he doesn’t resent baby no. 2.
 
 

 

Monday, July 11, 2016

The Stork will soon appears... :)

Long delayed post....
God is good; all the time.
I am expecting baby no. 2.
Lift is not easy and pregnancy is different.
 
 
During the first trimester, I was always tired, had vomiting at nights, food aversion to anything too oily or salty, bleeding gums and vomiting due to fluoride toothpaste. I didn’t gain much weight; in fact I lost weight.
 
I was worried if I had enough nutrients for the little one.
 
Now, I’m in my 5th month (2nd trimester) and am looking forward to the arrival of another newborn child.
 
I push aside all the fears: monetary, energy, babysitter, logistics, breastfeeding again, health, delivery cost, emotional impact to first child and the list goes on.
 
I threw myself to work and getting ready for my baby.
 
Shopping list this round is pretty short.
 
1. Girly dresses (I already bought a few from few months to 2 year old : a sweet white romper with tutu, a green animal print sleeveless sundress and also dig out the newborn white dress I bought in 2012 in Paris).
 
2. Baby blanky – I wanted to get one like the bunny I bought from Primark in London for baby M but couldn’t find here. Checked! Luckily mum found a mousy blanky in Pumpkin Patch Australia which fits the bill. J
 
3.  Pre-loved baby capsule (2nd car seat) – Checked.  I “accidentally” bought 2 because the first one felt too heavy to me.
 
4. Baby high chair – still pending... not too urgent yet. Old hand-me-down high chair was broken by toddler M. Oh well – after all, it was old and plastic cannot last forever.
 
5. Milk bottles – I couldn’t find the Avent PES  golden classic bottles in retail anymore and when I saw the older PS bottles (4 oz) at 50% off – I just grabbed 3 boxes. I still need to hunt for the 9oz bottled though. The MAM bottle teat – leaving that to hubby to get when the times come.
 
6. Bengkung – tummy binder for post pregnancy. Checked! My friend loaned me hers and already promised another friend to lend hers. So I found a new one at the local medicinal booth in Aeon.
 
6. Herbal bath (for myself during confinement) – checked – Got 2 boxes. Hope enough.
 
7. Dry shampoo (for myself during confinement) – checked – my colleague gave her extra box.
 
8.  Newborn diapers – Hubby’s job. I still have leftover wet wipes from M.
 
9. Bottle liquid detergent and baby clothes detergent – Hubby’s job to hunt for cheap bargains.
 
And I think I am done except the confinement herbs and food I need to buy before the time comes.
 
 
More to share and gush about again... :)

Monday, March 28, 2016

Weaning off the Breast

Gosh, motherhood took my life away... lol

It has been 3 years of motherhood and I do not regret any moment of it.

Just to write a note to remind myself before I forgot.

When I was pregnant, I was concerned and read up so much about breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public (under the nursing cover while he still allowed), pumping, maintaining supply, pumping at work, pumping in KTM once, pumping in the backseat while an acquaintance drive.. lol... how daring..

Finally, I stopped pumping when my baby became 2 years old..

And FINALLY, due to certain circumstances, I weaned off my 3-year-old toddler from breastfeeding.

I loved every moment of it because I practised co-sleeping. Whenever he fusses, I will just breastfeed. Whenever he doesn't want to sleep, I will force him with breastfeeding. Whenever he is hungry, I will breastfeed. Whenever he cries and feel discomfort, I will breastfeed him.

Gone are those days... lol  sniff..

How I finally manage to wean him off?

My poor baby got sick. At first we thought it was severe allergic reaction due to me eating seafood (after so many years of not eating) and breastfeeding him.

After 2 nights in the hospital, IV drip, antibiotics, unfortunately even a dose of steroid (he had steroid withdrawal syndrome the next few days), he was in the process of weaning off because my parents kept telling him, drinking mummy's milk make him sick. Sigh. Sad as it sound but he understood that. He had rashes all over his face and body and he was itchy.

Eventually, the doctor diagnose as some infection which require 10 days of antibiotics.

Anyway, this post is to recap the weaning process. Things my son says to negotiate back to my breasts.

"Mummy, please give me the pillow." (I was stuffing the pillow under my shirt; blocking my chest)

"Mummy, please give me the blanket. It is mine." (I was wrapping my chest with the blanket)

"Mummy, sleep like this. Sleep like me." (He wanted me to sleep on my back with my chest exposed. I was sleeping sideways).

After some crying for few nights from 12am, 3am, 5.30am...

We continue to cross our fingers and assumed we have weaned him off. As nature goes, the breastmilk have finally stopped.... and my baby is no longer a baby.. Snifff...




Saturday, September 12, 2015

My Angel

I don't know why but today I was reminded of my lil angel...

I happened to pass by the area after I left the medical centre which confirmed my lil baby is no longer with me..

It has been almost a year since that day.

I suddenly recalled the very day I knew he left me...
I suddenly remembered the feelings of absence within me...
I suddenly feel sadness that I couldn't get a chance to hold you.

I know I should move on but it seems like I didn't.
Every time a cycle come, I wish maybe I will be privilege once more to feel that feelings..
Alas, my partner is satisfied with little M as it is..

I wonder if I can move on from this...
Doc say I should try now if I want because not sure if I can again next time

It hurts when you want to try but not given a chance...
It hurts that you feel alone in your own loss when the other party is in denial,

I pray this cloud will move on or perhaps I will be in a dazed for another year before feelings this again..

Talking to others, it seems like a "normal occurrence" which many have gone through too. 
Guess I am just too sensitive and not willing to let go...


Friday, March 20, 2015

Sins of a Parent

I feel sad for my child.

Sins of a parent will carry forward and felt by him.
My son will have no cousins and relatives to dote and play with him during his childhood. His father being the only child will not help this either.


My parents don't really like me. My brothers don't really like me. I don't like them either. Hence, when my parents pass on, his uncles won't be around to visit us and vice versa. I know that for a fact.

Why?

Growing up as a second child, only daugher smacked between 2 boys... this is what I always felt. I felt annoyed with my parents mantra "We treat all three of you equally" (When I feel they don't).

As an adult as I reflect back, I don't think I was wrong to felt that way at that age.

As a child I felt like this. My elder brother is the "anak emas" (golden child) - smart and brilliant child. My younger brother is the "anak manja" (spoilt child) - getting away with anything and demanding (and getting) with anything because he is the youngest.

Well, I felt I was the "anak angkat" (adopted child) because I was not allowed to do many things being the daughter. My primary school friend (boys) were scolded when they called me on the phone in my house. I couldn't go to overnight school trips and I couldn't go to sleepover. It didn't help that I lived in another area from most of my friends.

I felt miserable, not understood and lonely growing up as a child in my family.

As an adult, I understand that my parents were being over protective of their daughter but I really felt suffocated like a pet bird in a cage. To the extend, when I became an adult - I was so accustomed to a cage; when there wasn't one, I still sat in the same spot.

How does this constitute a sin to my child?

Well, obviously an unhappy child doesn't give her parents an easy time especially right after Form 5. I wanted to study more as a doctor. I wanted more options than what my dad could give me. I felt it was unfair my dad gave my son better choices to study while I couldn't.

So from that moment on, my dad doesn't like me questioning his choices.

I on the other hand, hated that I couldn't fly.

Hence, I also hated that my dad always felt his sons (both doctors) are more successful and superior than me. It didn't help that I didn't marry rich either.

My mum thinks she treated us fairly and couldn't accept my comments that she didn't. I never really get along conversationally with my mum. Yes, she loves me but she doesn't accept my opinions and she only showers me with gifts (buying clothes, toys, etc). Emotionally, I felt I never had someone to confide in.

Brothers? If I start writing more, I will start tearing.

Older brother doesn't really bother much about me especially when he married. He used to remember his little sister and buy her stuff (I'm not complaining about not getting stuff) but literally even during his wedding, it felt like I was just a normal guest and not his sister.

At least, in case of emergency, if I ask him for something, he will help me but it is out of obligation. That is how I feel our brother-sister relationship is like.

Younger brother? Long history of quarrels from unjustified accusations and parents siding him 100% etc.
In other words, he is untouchable in my family. The KING. End of story. He even overrules safety reason e.g. I was not allowed to install a safety gate to avoid my son from falling and going down the staircase because HE might trip. D'oh.

Well, can't blame him for thinking he is the King because he was brought up that way.

That made me feel that bringing up my son to be considerate, cautious, street-wise and equiping him with survival skills is much more important (even though my parents brought my up to think qualifications and money matters more.) Yes, we need money to leave but not to the extend of always bringing down the lower-income sibling in the family ALL the time.

I guess no matter how hard I try, I can never "please" my parents but it does ruin my self esteem.

So my sin as a parent is that with my bad relationships, my son might not be able to receive more love from so-called relatives.

I pray God will lead other individuals to love him more than I can and if anything does happen to me eventually, I hope my son knows I tried my best.
 


Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Korean Drama Fever

When Winter Sonata was a craze more than a decade ago, I wasn't interested and wondered what the big deal was.

Many years later, I encountered other Korean dramas and got hook once a while trying to watch them e.g. Boys over Flower, 1st Shop of Coffee Prince.. and some others I can't recall now.


Recently, with the aps Viki, I started watching again.

Since 2014 till now, I have watched the following dramas:

1. When a Man Loves A Woman

2. My Princess
3. Healer


4. I do I do



I am currently watching this.. Wonder what should I watch next.. lol I guess I do like light-hearted romantic comedy.

Sungkyunkwan Scandal



Ahhh.... some romantic comedy to clear the stress for the day. ;)

Another half a decade: Managing Change

It has been 5 years since I worked in this firm and it is time to move on.
I have known that there is no future and further advancement here for few years now but I stayed on until my baby is no longer a baby.

As I take a new path (hoping for the best) with butterflies in my stomach and uncertainties again, I hope I can hold on to my faith and seek God in times of this uncertainties again.

I pray God will calm the inner turmoil in me so I can braved a new change.
I delayed resigning a week because of this inner turmoil.. arghh..

Will see how it goes.. Pray for me!