Weaning off the Breast

Gosh, motherhood took my life away... lol

It has been 3 years of motherhood and I do not regret any moment of it.

Just to write a note to remind myself before I forgot.

When I was pregnant, I was concerned and read up so much about breastfeeding, breastfeeding in public (under the nursing cover while he still allowed), pumping, maintaining supply, pumping at work, pumping in KTM once, pumping in the backseat while an acquaintance drive.. lol... how daring..

Finally, I stopped pumping when my baby became 2 years old..

And FINALLY, due to certain circumstances, I weaned off my 3-year-old toddler from breastfeeding.

I loved every moment of it because I practised co-sleeping. Whenever he fusses, I will just breastfeed. Whenever he doesn't want to sleep, I will force him with breastfeeding. Whenever he is hungry, I will breastfeed. Whenever he cries and feel discomfort, I will breastfeed him.

Gone are those days... lol  sniff..

How I finally manage to wean him off?

My poor baby got sick. At first we thought it was severe allergic reaction due to me eating seafood (after so many years of not eating) and breastfeeding him.

After 2 nights in the hospital, IV drip, antibiotics, unfortunately even a dose of steroid (he had steroid withdrawal syndrome the next few days), he was in the process of weaning off because my parents kept telling him, drinking mummy's milk make him sick. Sigh. Sad as it sound but he understood that. He had rashes all over his face and body and he was itchy.

Eventually, the doctor diagnose as some infection which require 10 days of antibiotics.

Anyway, this post is to recap the weaning process. Things my son says to negotiate back to my breasts.

"Mummy, please give me the pillow." (I was stuffing the pillow under my shirt; blocking my chest)

"Mummy, please give me the blanket. It is mine." (I was wrapping my chest with the blanket)

"Mummy, sleep like this. Sleep like me." (He wanted me to sleep on my back with my chest exposed. I was sleeping sideways).

After some crying for few nights from 12am, 3am, 5.30am...

We continue to cross our fingers and assumed we have weaned him off. As nature goes, the breastmilk have finally stopped.... and my baby is no longer a baby.. Snifff...

My Angel

I don't know why but today I was reminded of my lil angel...

I happened to pass by the area after I left the medical centre which confirmed my lil baby is no longer with me..

It has been almost a year since that day.

I suddenly recalled the very day I knew he left me...

I suddenly remembered the feelings of absence within me...

I suddenly feel sadness that I couldn't get a chance to hold you.

I know I should move on but it seems like I didn't.

Every time a cycle come, I wish maybe I will be privilege once more to feel that feelings..

Alas, my partner is satisfied with little M as it is..

I wonder if I can move on from this...

Doc say I should try now if I want because not sure if I can again next time

It hurts when you want to try but not given a chance...

It hurts that you feel alone in your own loss when the other party is in denial,

I pray this cloud will move on or perhaps I will be in a dazed for another year before feelings this again..

Talking to others, it seems like a "normal occurrence" which many have gone through too. 

Guess I am just too sensitive and not willing to let go...

Sins of a Parent

I feel sad for my child.

Sins of a parent will carry forward and felt by him.
My son will have no cousins and relatives to dote and play with him during his childhood. His father being the only child will not help this either.


My parents don't really like me. My brothers don't really like me. I don't like them either. Hence, when my parents pass on, his uncles won't be around to visit us and vice versa. I know that for a fact.

Why?

Growing up as a second child, only daugher smacked between 2 boys... this is what I always felt. I felt annoyed with my parents mantra "We treat all three of you equally" (When I feel they don't).

As an adult as I reflect back, I don't think I was wrong to felt that way at that age.

As a child I felt like this. My elder brother is the "anak emas" (golden child) - smart and brilliant child. My younger brother is the "anak manja" (spoilt child) - getting away with anything and demanding (and getting) with anything because he is the youngest.

Well, I felt I was the "anak angkat" (adopted child) because I was not allowed to do many things being the daughter. My primary school friend (boys) were scolded when they called me on the phone in my house. I couldn't go to overnight school trips and I couldn't go to sleepover. It didn't help that I lived in another area from most of my friends.

I felt miserable, not understood and lonely growing up as a child in my family.

As an adult, I understand that my parents were being over protective of their daughter but I really felt suffocated like a pet bird in a cage. To the extend, when I became an adult - I was so accustomed to a cage; when there wasn't one, I still sat in the same spot.

How does this constitute a sin to my child?

Well, obviously an unhappy child doesn't give her parents an easy time especially right after Form 5. I wanted to study more as a doctor. I wanted more options than what my dad could give me. I felt it was unfair my dad gave my son better choices to study while I couldn't.

So from that moment on, my dad doesn't like me questioning his choices.

I on the other hand, hated that I couldn't fly.

Hence, I also hated that my dad always felt his sons (both doctors) are more successful and superior than me. It didn't help that I didn't marry rich either.

My mum thinks she treated us fairly and couldn't accept my comments that she didn't. I never really get along conversationally with my mum. Yes, she loves me but she doesn't accept my opinions and she only showers me with gifts (buying clothes, toys, etc). Emotionally, I felt I never had someone to confide in.

Brothers? If I start writing more, I will start tearing.

Older brother doesn't really bother much about me especially when he married. He used to remember his little sister and buy her stuff (I'm not complaining about not getting stuff) but literally even during his wedding, it felt like I was just a normal guest and not his sister.

At least, in case of emergency, if I ask him for something, he will help me but it is out of obligation. That is how I feel our brother-sister relationship is like.

Younger brother? Long history of quarrels from unjustified accusations and parents siding him 100% etc.
In other words, he is untouchable in my family. The KING. End of story. He even overrules safety reason e.g. I was not allowed to install a safety gate to avoid my son from falling and going down the staircase because HE might trip. D'oh.

Well, can't blame him for thinking he is the King because he was brought up that way.

That made me feel that bringing up my son to be considerate, cautious, street-wise and equiping him with survival skills is much more important (even though my parents brought my up to think qualifications and money matters more.) Yes, we need money to leave but not to the extend of always bringing down the lower-income sibling in the family ALL the time.

I guess no matter how hard I try, I can never "please" my parents but it does ruin my self esteem.

So my sin as a parent is that with my bad relationships, my son might not be able to receive more love from so-called relatives.

I pray God will lead other individuals to love him more than I can and if anything does happen to me eventually, I hope my son knows I tried my best.
 

Korean Drama Fever

When Winter Sonata was a craze more than a decade ago, I wasn't interested and wondered what the big deal was.

Many years later, I encountered other Korean dramas and got hook once a while trying to watch them e.g. Boys over Flower, 1st Shop of Coffee Prince.. and some others I can't recall now.

Recently, with the aps Viki, I started watching again.

Since 2014 till now, I have watched the following dramas:

1. When a Man Loves A Woman

2. My Princess

3. Healer

4. I do I do

I am currently watching this.. Wonder what should I watch next.. lol I guess I do like light-hearted romantic comedy.

Sungkyunkwan Scandal

Ahhh.... some romantic comedy to clear the stress for the day. ;)

Another half a decade: Managing Change

It has been 5 years since I worked in this firm and it is time to move on.
I have known that there is no future and further advancement here for few years now but I stayed on until my baby is no longer a baby.

As I take a new path (hoping for the best) with butterflies in my stomach and uncertainties again, I hope I can hold on to my faith and seek God in times of this uncertainties again.

I pray God will calm the inner turmoil in me so I can braved a new change.
I delayed resigning a week because of this inner turmoil.. arghh..

Will see how it goes.. Pray for me!

Speech Milestones (23 months)

I have to admit, I was scared when my son didn't speak much and used sign language more to get what he wants.

Then, out of the blue, it is as if the wires connect, he started speaking.

He made a point to have eye contact with you, then pointed an object and said "bluuuu".  (Blue colour)
Then he pointed at the next bead and said "greeee".  (Green colour)
And he continued with "Reeeeaaa" and "Orrrrrrrr-an"  (Red and orange colour)

I can't tell you what a relieve I felt and proud too. Obviously, I couldn't over react as he might not want to speak again. He has this tendency to do it when we least expect.

That was 3 weeks ago.

Last week, he made me proud by saying 1,2,3 to 10 after each numbers was flashed on tv in a youtube video that he was been watching on and off. And then he wasn't too confident saying numbers "11-19" but ended with a loud "20".

I think what helped was coincidentally we have 20 steps for the staircase at home, so we would always count 1-20 with every step we took.

So in short, just wanted to record this moment before I forget, and hope he finally says "Mummy".

He nows happily says "Dadddeeee" whenever he sees daddy. Alas haven't called "mummy" yet so I took the opportunity to teach him this:
"When you poo poo, say Dadddy. When you shee shee, say Daddy. When you hungry, say Daddy".

:P Might as well take it as sign of blessing in disguise... haha

Surrendering to God?

What happens when you think you have too much challenges?
I love this quote which my senior pastor always says "Hard peanut makes good peanut butter".


I was down and angry last few days due to my sibling dispute. Yes, I am always the black sheep in my family because I am not a "doctor" and traditionally, my family prefers boys over girls. Boys in my family always get away with everything: don't have to do housework, get to go school excursions, get to have late night outings and never get scolded. (My parents made me wished I was borned a son when I was in primary school). At first, I thought maybe they are being over protective because I am a girl... sigh, denial is not a good thing. Even after 3 decades, the proof is still there but I got conned into this phrase my mum claims "I treat all three of you equally".


So yes, even though it doesn't make sense, even thought my brothers are wrong, my parents will always side my brothers.

I was so upset because already knowing this, I asked my father to intervene the already rudeness (no choice was told to accept it by my father to avoid a quarrel....) and now emotional harrassment from my younger brother.

My father said don't involve him and leave him alone.

I feel like running away. I feel so powerless. My hubby cannot do anything and I am forced to accept this because I NEED my parents help to look after my son.

Why?
Because I don't earn enough to get a full-time maid like most people do.

What IF I get a maid?
I don't have my own house to place the maid because I am currently "squatting" with my parents.

Why don't have my own house?
Because my hubby believed anywhere else NOT in KL is not a decent location to stay. So out place is in KL.

Why are we staying with my parents?
IRONICALLY, because my hubby got a job half hour away from my parents house.

Why didn't we get another place in Klang?
Because price has increase when my pay gets more decent and basically I have TOO much financial commitments now to afford an almost million dollar house.

Why don't I get an older house within my budget?
Because it will be too far from my parents place for them to ferry and fetch my son and I might end up needing to fork out more money for renovation.

Why am I making so many excuses?
Because I am man. I am full of sins. I am shameless and I never learn to seek God's help. So yes, God, I have never really been touched by You and now I seek your guidance in my inner turmoil.

Why oh why?
I don't know anymore. I am tired physically, emotionally.... What can I do?

I tried running away... finding another place to move out.. Finances is killing me.. My mum would say it wouldn't be a problem if you marry rich.. D'oh

Well, let me pray about it then? ....

Celebrating Christmas with a Toddler

I felt the need to bring my son to public places or where there are more people. Alas, I can’t help that he has no cousins his age to play with and is always surrounded by adults. 

The most I thought, perhaps we can bring him to the crowd to feel the festivity of the moment.

In fact, not sure about other single child, my heart aches when I see him trying to trod after other children playing in shopping malls but they never bothered with him. (why should they with an unknown kid?) We tried sending him to Kindermusic which is just a 45minutes session with some other children his age but half the time, it takes him to warm up and get used to the classes.

We haven’t manage to attend church regularly for his sake to make more friends so attending church with no friends is also a little sad for a lonely child.

However, I do hope he will not grow up feeling lonely. Young children have so much hope, joy and excitement within them that their eyes just sparkle with so much energy. I love looking into the eyes of my son and see his expression to all the “firsts” things he see and experiences he go through.

We adults have live a jaded realistic life and forgot how to sit back and experience the moment. While I am busy cleaning around my son, I try to take time and sit back and look at him smile, grin, laugh and throw a tantrum in frustration when the duplo parts doesn’t come out… and wish life was more simple sometimes.

I wish this Christmas a blessed, joyous one with lots of laughter to every single child (even adults with their forgotten inner child). Let loose your loud funny laugh. Let loose your need to run into the spray of water. Remember it doesn’t matter that you get dirty, enjoy the moment and live!

Merry Christmas to all!:)

Do take the opportunity to have your family picture taken this Christmas. I have gotten 3 free photo prints for this Christmas season from shopping malls. :)

Meal strike: Picky Eaters

After a week of meal strike, I felt relieved but didn't understand why little toddlers do that. Hence, I googled reasons why they turn down meals and was given these points to ponder:

1. Miss Independent.
The toddler wants to decide on things. My mum has allowed my son to choose what shirt he wants to wear and he happily does it. I guess individuality is coming out.


2. Food taste "yucky"
I was told this "Of course, your son has been eating your plain porridge for more than a year daily."
My son was having a porridge strike.  No matter how we coax, he will divert his head, block the spoon with his hand and if you insist further, he will burst out in tears.

Healthy porridge made from vegetable and meat puree because he doesn't like to chew yet..

Solution: I started offering my food to him so he gets interested. A spoon of noodles and a spoon of porridge in between. Wonder if it is the right thing to do... But at least he is still eating.

Of course, it means I still have to eat plain not so salty, spicy food so that he can eat off my plate.

Alternatively, I started serving some noodles in the form of ramen, mee suah with soup. He seems to like it but doesn't eat much.

3. She is not hungry right now
 I find this reason very true. I can offer a meal to my son and he refuses it. Maybe 15 minutes or 30 minutes later, he will open his mouth wide to eat. Unfortunately it means keeping the food warm or serving it cold.


4. Dinnertime is too rigid
This reason is a bit hard to justify because it will not be a good habit to be eating everywhere. We try to train him to eat in his high chair at the dining table. It will not be a good habit to be chasing him around the living and dining to feed him. So yes, a little rigid but he gets some Youtube time on the highchair during meals.


5. What you are serving is boring.
Gosh... for daily meals, I couldn't help much but I try on weekends when I am not working. So far, the easier I could do is flourless banana pancakes shapes. It takes only 1-2 banana with 1-2 eggs ratio (test it out to see which texture you like).

Mash the banana, beat in the egg and pan fry it with some olive oil. Cut into the shape you desire when you are done.

I have started introducing some jam and butter with his pancakes. Thankfully he will at least eat 2-3 pieces when I do this.

Haven't started other method yet.

****
Good luck to other mothers of fussy eaters! Best to remember, for my case, at least he was still drinking milk when he had his meal strike. It didn't help he was feeling under the weather by vomitting everytime we tried to feed him solid.

Remembering my 2nd little one

I guess it is fated that I will never see you born.
I can remember clearly the day I suspected you were conceived.
I was full of joy when for the first time, the home test results showed positive immediately.
Little M needed at least 4 home test before I confirmed (but then I didn't use clear blue immediately)

I remember thinking God is kind because I really wanted you.
I knew of your presence near my birthday and think you were my birthday gift from God.
I knew you were different because I got headaches and evening nausea.
I knew you were firm and decisive when you made me puke specific food that you didn't like.

Only picture I have of you....

I kept track of what you liked and what you didn't.
Orange juice was out.
And so was Chattime tea.
Beef was okie this round, and so were most meat.

Nursing M was painful but I wanted you both to still be close to me
M acted up because of you
But I thought when you were borne,
He would understand you.

We wish you well in heaven with God. Even though we wanted you here to play with your brother, God has other plans for you. We shall remember you in our hearts; even though it was brief, you brought us so much joy and happiness too. We believe we will see you someday too.

Love,
Your mummy, daddy and brother M.

****

¹³ Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. ¹⁴ For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage one another with these words.
(1 Thessalonians 4:13-18)