Ranting

I woke up feeling depressed. I feel neglected, unloved and very used. Why?

My son doesn’t want me (seriously because I don’t spend time with him). My husband is in his own world of handphones and computer. My parents pick on me no matter what I do.

I am tired.

Guess is the last stretch of hormones in this pregnancy.

 

I work and drive an hour plus one way to work. I slave to pay for the household bills and got myself in a higher financial commitment so my family can have a new house nearby my parents.

 
Does my husband help? Only looking and playing with our son.

Other than that, it is thrown onto my shoulders.

He will say I am calculative but looking back at the first pregnancy, he never realised how lucky he is and now.

1. Hubby doesn’t spend a single dime on my pregnancy and confinement. He only pays for delivery and thankfully first baby loved him so much that he came to this world on a weekday, day time and within the maternity package price.

 2. Hubby doesn’t need to even cook, source, buy groceries for any confinement food. I researched and prepared the list so that my parents do everything for me and I guess there is resentment. He doesn’t even help to carry boiled water upstairs for me (typical Chinese belief is that a woman after delivery cannot touch tap water to avoid wind in the body). My aging mum with aching knees is the one who boils and carry upstairs for me.

 

3. Hubby does not bathe or look after the baby. First-time-dad obviously is scared and used the no-experience-excuse.

So will this repeat again? I hope not... (most likely).

Anyhow, why am I further upset?

Well, he had to have to go out the country the week before my delivery and give me a headache. I am 37 weeks pregnant and now I am trying to figure who can be my doula should little baby decide not to wait for daddy.

Even choosing name becomes a drama. It took me a month of finding a Christian my hubby approved. I totally rejected all his selection because my criteria were stricter than his. First baby was so easy – he said yes to my selection. Obviously my mum didn’t like it.

  liked a Chinese name which my mum didn’t allow me to use because it sounds like my late aunt’s name. Is there superstitious for that?. I was hoping for more options of Chinese name from my MIL but she gave me her middle name and I didn’t like the last name she chose. So I am stuck with no name and hubby doesn’t have a worry to his head.

 

I have been backsliding as it is a challenge to prepare the baby (son) and the big baby (hubby) in time to go to church. Personal devotion is void because all I want to do now is sleep. Excuses...

Guess just have to pray.... really hard and hope I don’t go into post natal depression and do something silly to my hubby’s benefit since my will is all prepared and in his name.

 

 

 

 

 

Surrendering to God?

What happens when you think you have too much challenges?
I love this quote which my senior pastor always says "Hard peanut makes good peanut butter".


I was down and angry last few days due to my sibling dispute. Yes, I am always the black sheep in my family because I am not a "doctor" and traditionally, my family prefers boys over girls. Boys in my family always get away with everything: don't have to do housework, get to go school excursions, get to have late night outings and never get scolded. (My parents made me wished I was borned a son when I was in primary school). At first, I thought maybe they are being over protective because I am a girl... sigh, denial is not a good thing. Even after 3 decades, the proof is still there but I got conned into this phrase my mum claims "I treat all three of you equally".


So yes, even though it doesn't make sense, even thought my brothers are wrong, my parents will always side my brothers.

I was so upset because already knowing this, I asked my father to intervene the already rudeness (no choice was told to accept it by my father to avoid a quarrel....) and now emotional harrassment from my younger brother.

My father said don't involve him and leave him alone.

I feel like running away. I feel so powerless. My hubby cannot do anything and I am forced to accept this because I NEED my parents help to look after my son.

Why?
Because I don't earn enough to get a full-time maid like most people do.

What IF I get a maid?
I don't have my own house to place the maid because I am currently "squatting" with my parents.

Why don't have my own house?
Because my hubby believed anywhere else NOT in KL is not a decent location to stay. So out place is in KL.

Why are we staying with my parents?
IRONICALLY, because my hubby got a job half hour away from my parents house.

Why didn't we get another place in Klang?
Because price has increase when my pay gets more decent and basically I have TOO much financial commitments now to afford an almost million dollar house.

Why don't I get an older house within my budget?
Because it will be too far from my parents place for them to ferry and fetch my son and I might end up needing to fork out more money for renovation.

Why am I making so many excuses?
Because I am man. I am full of sins. I am shameless and I never learn to seek God's help. So yes, God, I have never really been touched by You and now I seek your guidance in my inner turmoil.

Why oh why?
I don't know anymore. I am tired physically, emotionally.... What can I do?

I tried running away... finding another place to move out.. Finances is killing me.. My mum would say it wouldn't be a problem if you marry rich.. D'oh

Well, let me pray about it then? ....